I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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