I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Two words: nipple clamps
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