She went from zero to smokin in five shots
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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