Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
