My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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