Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Randomize
