you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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