filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
