she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
