Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
