I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
3 2 1 whiskey
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
