im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
