Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
