i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
