Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize