my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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