I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
