Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Text me some of your sweat
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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