i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
