I can text with my tongue
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
