Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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