happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
