You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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