I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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