My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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