I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
