John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Randomize
