you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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