I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
