I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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