My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
