I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize