My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
