Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
