I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
