I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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