Don't you send me to vm
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
