I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
