just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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