so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
