we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Randomize
