he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
