Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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