How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
