You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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