I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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