Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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