I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
