You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize