I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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