the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
