Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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