Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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