My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
