I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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