Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
