Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
