i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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