I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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