I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
